Trust is an interesting thing. It may even mean different things to different people. I just watched a video posted by Derrick Jaxn, someone who posts videos of relationship advice and discussions on social media, and he had some very insightful things to say about trust. He started off the video with a question. It was: Would you let your friend stay at your house with your significant other over night while you are not home? And of course this is pertaining to a friend who is of the opposite sex of your significant other. He said his answer would be “no”. He said it wouldn’t be a “hell no”, because there may be an instance of an unlikely emergency and in that case, the friend would be able to stay for one night and one night only. He said he got some responses from people saying “You should be able to trust your partner” and “Why are you with someone if you can’t trust them?” To that he simply answered by saying this: trust shouldn’t have to be proven. You can still trust them fully and feel like something of this nature is inappropriate. He said as a man, why would he want to be putting his trustworthiness to the test with his woman? He said just because a line isn’t being crossed, it doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to create a blurred line in a relationship. He also brought up an analogy that explains his point very well. He said imagine he worked in a profession that required a bulletproof vest. He would go out and find the best vest he could find! He would trust that vest to do its job when the time comes. However, he would never ask someone to empty a clip on him right in the chest just to make sure. He doesn’t need his vest to be tested while he has it on, that’s just not safe. He pointed out that the same goes for relationships. Why would your significant other willingly put themselves in a situation where their trust needed to be tested. Why would they allow someone to take “shots” at them while they have the vest on? That is no way to protect a relationship.
I completely agree with Derrick’s perspective. Something doesn’t have to be cheating to be considered inappropriate. In my opinion, this is the exact issue that tore me and my ex-boyfriend apart. We fought constantly about what we considered to be appropriate and what should or shouldn’t be allowed in a relationship. We could never see eye-to-eye. For example, I felt it was extremely inappropriate for him to go out to bars and clubs frequently and to over drink when he was there. I feel being extremely intoxicated in a public place can allow for all kinds of mishaps. He saw nothing wrong with it. He thought that he was always “in control” of himself so there should be no problem. Another example is he would text females (who were “friends/coworkers”) and when I suggested the messages seemed flirtatious, he said they are just “friendly” and I have nothing to worry about. The funny thing is, even with these questionable actions, I did trust him. I trusted he would never intentionally do anything to betray me. I trusted he would never voluntarily break my heart. But what I didn’t trust was how he kept putting his trustworthiness to the test. Why would he do that? That was like telling me that losing our relationship, losing ME for that matter, was worth the risk. How can I fully trust someone who blurs the line like that? He really couldn’t see where I was coming from on this. He would basically tell me that if I trust him, I should trust every decision he makes. I understood his thought process, but I also knew that human beings are flawed creatures and mistakes can be made even if you put yourself in an inappropriate situation for a split second. I mean it seems that if you truly love someone, putting yourself in those situations would worry you. And in turn, it would bother you to know that it also worried your significant other. You wouldn’t want to make them feel like you don’t value them enough to protect the relationship.
Now I’m not the type of woman who thinks her man can’t do anything without her or that he can’t go out once in a while and have a good time. I’m also not the type of woman who thinks her man can’t have female friends. I just think there should be boundaries to prevent the increased possibility of trust being lost. Possible solutions for my specific past situation: (1) Maybe don’t drink as much when going out and be available just in case of emergencies. (2) Maybe don’t text females about going out and things other than work, and slow down on the witty banter back and forth? Especially with females who I don’t know and who don’t know me. There are always ways to compromise and find a middle ground, you just have to be willing to do it.
Derrick Jaxn hit the nail on the head for me on this. Just because you trust someone, it doesn’t mean they should willingly put that trust to the test. Regardless of the willpower you think you may have, you can make mistakes and shouldn’t put your partner through that. The next time a man asks “Do you trust me?”, I will follow up with “I trust that you won’t test my trust”. I need to be with someone who will value me to the point where they wouldn’t dream about taking that risk. They will know how I feel about things like this and respect and love me enough to refrain from putting me through that. I truly started to wonder if that type of guy existed. Derrick restored my faith.